Rough times
06-28-2010 | 09:07 PM
#1
Thread Starter
Speed Demon
Superstock
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 272
From: Seattle, Wa
Rough times
So guys while things are going smoothly at school I have to say things are opposite for me. My girlfriend boke up with me over the weekend. We had been together almost three years come august. She broke up with me cause she wants to "see whats out there" but im not stupid, I know what she wants to do. I just makes things tough cause weve been together for a while and we have Gunner. We are trying to be friends still but I just dont know what to do. I just want to see her happy and wish the best for her. I mean I really love her to death. I was wondering If I could get some advice from you guys on here that are married, been married or been in the same boat as me. Like what I can do to win her back or how to kinda move on. I dont know, just down right now and upset cause she likes my best friend......Thanks for listening.
Philip
Philip
06-28-2010 | 09:25 PM
#3
Senior Member
SuperBike
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,611
From: Belgium, WI
Philip,
I may be tainted here a little, but my opinion involves a lot of self respect. No matter what, You need to keep your integrity and self pride. You can die with that and not feel terrible, but giving up on having people respect you is something that you cannot turn back on. What does this all mean? You need to realize that it is highly probable that she already has someone in mind (although she may not have started anything with them). DO NOT CALL HER YOU DESPERATE FOOL!!!! This will make you look weak and pathetic, giving her control of the situation (I know, someone will tell me that I am being cynical, but we are working on damage control here). For you to remain in control, you need to go on the offensive (sure you are hurt...) because she has given you the green light (or possible long term freedom). DO NOT MENTION HER TO OTHERS!!!! It will get back to her that you said something or other.
I may be tainted here a little, but my opinion involves a lot of self respect. No matter what, You need to keep your integrity and self pride. You can die with that and not feel terrible, but giving up on having people respect you is something that you cannot turn back on. What does this all mean? You need to realize that it is highly probable that she already has someone in mind (although she may not have started anything with them). DO NOT CALL HER YOU DESPERATE FOOL!!!! This will make you look weak and pathetic, giving her control of the situation (I know, someone will tell me that I am being cynical, but we are working on damage control here). For you to remain in control, you need to go on the offensive (sure you are hurt...) because she has given you the green light (or possible long term freedom). DO NOT MENTION HER TO OTHERS!!!! It will get back to her that you said something or other.
06-28-2010 | 09:29 PM
#4
Senior Member
SuperBike
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,611
From: Belgium, WI
IF you do this, you can only be guaranteed one thing, that you will have successfully moved forward in your life. It is possible that in this diverging path there is a fork that re-converges with her. If you don't move on, you can be guaranteed one thing, that you will appear to be (although you also may be) desperate, depressed, and quite the walk over (as she will assume that you will wait forever).
If this has been too cynical, remember this... You must give yourself respect before anyone else will. If you need a road trip to cure your ills, let the group know, we will be there for you.
If this has been too cynical, remember this... You must give yourself respect before anyone else will. If you need a road trip to cure your ills, let the group know, we will be there for you.
06-28-2010 | 09:32 PM
#5
Senior Member
SuperBike
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,548
From: MN
No real advice except be glad she is being honest with you now while you are both young,
not married and without kids (making some asumptions there). If she has realized this is not the right relationship there isn't much you can do. In time, and in a long time, you will be thankful.
not married and without kids (making some asumptions there). If she has realized this is not the right relationship there isn't much you can do. In time, and in a long time, you will be thankful.
Last edited by cliby; 06-28-2010 at 09:35 PM.
06-28-2010 | 09:50 PM
#6
Senior Member
Superstock
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 380
From: Warrenton Virginia
Force yourself to be happy, go out with friends, go for a ride with a group. DO NOT sit at home alone thinking and do not let anyone take advantage of you ( aka no nookie with the ex) it will never lead to the relationship you used to have. Don't be afraid to tell her you need time totally away from her.
06-28-2010 | 10:21 PM
#8
Senior Member
Back Marker
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 243
From: Toronto, Ontario
oh boy, been there done that.
A few rules every man should live by after a hard break-up.
1. There is no being friends with your ex. That just complicates things, one person leads the other one on, there are expectations that get broken and it makes moving on, and getting the necessary emotional closure impossible. You want out? Fine, no more contact, you are dead to me. If i do have to talk to you about something (when you will pick up your stuff, etc etc) i will sound annoyed and busy.
2. Doing something out of the ordinary is a must! The hard part is doing your normal routine because she was so integrated into it that everything will remind you of her and you will miss her. I joined the gym, i went and the money i would have spent on my ex-girlfriends tuition i bought a VTR with (man was that a good call huh!?), i started rock climbing. Basically new hobbies will occupy your mind and allow you to meet new people outside of your normal circle of friends.
3. AGAIN NO TALKING TO EX! She will want to have the emotional support in her transition period. Chicks always want to feel needed. So she'll want to keep you around until she develops emotions for the next victim.
i'm sure others will chime in but for now that ought to cover the basics.
Plan a trip and execute it! And dont hope that she'll want you back. You are the prize my friend, peeeeelenty of fish in the sea.!!!
A few rules every man should live by after a hard break-up.
1. There is no being friends with your ex. That just complicates things, one person leads the other one on, there are expectations that get broken and it makes moving on, and getting the necessary emotional closure impossible. You want out? Fine, no more contact, you are dead to me. If i do have to talk to you about something (when you will pick up your stuff, etc etc) i will sound annoyed and busy.
2. Doing something out of the ordinary is a must! The hard part is doing your normal routine because she was so integrated into it that everything will remind you of her and you will miss her. I joined the gym, i went and the money i would have spent on my ex-girlfriends tuition i bought a VTR with (man was that a good call huh!?), i started rock climbing. Basically new hobbies will occupy your mind and allow you to meet new people outside of your normal circle of friends.
3. AGAIN NO TALKING TO EX! She will want to have the emotional support in her transition period. Chicks always want to feel needed. So she'll want to keep you around until she develops emotions for the next victim.
i'm sure others will chime in but for now that ought to cover the basics.
Plan a trip and execute it! And dont hope that she'll want you back. You are the prize my friend, peeeeelenty of fish in the sea.!!!
06-28-2010 | 10:40 PM
#11
Out of my mind, back in 5
MotoGP
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 6,109
From: Skurup, Sweden
I'll add one thing... Or rather add too it... It can't be said enough... There is NO being friends with your ex... 6 months down the road if you both have moved on and you want to be friends with her, OK... But right now? No way...
Like red liner said, you break up with me, you are a non-person to me... Girls like the whole emotional support system of "lets stay friends"... If she want's that, tell her to go see her girlfriends... If you stay friends now you can most definetly say goodbye to any and all chance of you ending up together in the future... That makes you a doormat in her mind, whether she is aware of it or not consciously...
Like red liner said, you break up with me, you are a non-person to me... Girls like the whole emotional support system of "lets stay friends"... If she want's that, tell her to go see her girlfriends... If you stay friends now you can most definetly say goodbye to any and all chance of you ending up together in the future... That makes you a doormat in her mind, whether she is aware of it or not consciously...
06-28-2010 | 10:41 PM
#12
Senior Member
MotoGP
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 3,132
From: Phoenix, AZ
Rule #1: Don't ride alone right after a breakup.. I ended up doing about 20 yards of unintentional desert dirt riding on my superhawk because of a missed corner the night the girl I thought was the one broke up with me.
Rule #2: Don't find a full bottle of tequila and drink it all by yourself. I did that for another breakup (whom I knew was not the one, but none the less still not fun).
Rule $3: Do go out - hang out with friends. Go bowling, shoot pool, anything to keep distracted and occupied.
Finally, remember you were happy before her, and you can be happy after her, she didn't take happy with her, it will just take time.
Rule #2: Don't find a full bottle of tequila and drink it all by yourself. I did that for another breakup (whom I knew was not the one, but none the less still not fun).
Rule $3: Do go out - hang out with friends. Go bowling, shoot pool, anything to keep distracted and occupied.
Finally, remember you were happy before her, and you can be happy after her, she didn't take happy with her, it will just take time.
06-28-2010 | 10:41 PM
#13
Senior Member
SuperBike
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,611
From: Belgium, WI
A couple more things... You want you to be happy, her you could give a crap about. Unfortunately your vision is clouded right now with a picture of her being happy with you. You have to pull an S of the D.E.N.N.I.S. system from "its always sunny in Philadelphia", which stands for separate entirely.
Overall, cut contact, enjoy life (despite how hard it may be), and put it behind you (for now, at least).
Overall, cut contact, enjoy life (despite how hard it may be), and put it behind you (for now, at least).
06-28-2010 | 10:55 PM
#14
Senior Member
SuperSport
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 677
From: Rancho Cordova, California
This is one of the hardest things a man has to go through so, first of all, I'm sorry. I don't have any magic or a bunch of advice. I beleive in giving suggestions anyway, advice is kind of dangerous. If you need someone to talk to at anytime, pm me and I'll send you my number. This just sucks, period. No matter what anyone says to you, it is going to just suck. Good news, it will suck as long as you decide in some ways.
06-29-2010 | 07:06 AM
#15
Always Learning
Back Marker
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 148
From: Northern Illinois
Lots of good advice, been married, kids blah blah blah... I think Redliner said it best in bullet #2, do something different, don't sit at home and let things fester it only makes things worse. Yeah life pretty much sucks right now and it isn't that easy. But this is one of those "shitty times in llife" that people always refer too. You just hapeen to be in the down times. hey that's what everyone is on here for, to help. 
Go out, keep your head up, and have fun. keep in mind you can't rewind, pause of fast forward on this ride so hold on and make the best of it that you can.
Go out, keep your head up, and have fun. keep in mind you can't rewind, pause of fast forward on this ride so hold on and make the best of it that you can.
06-29-2010 | 07:07 AM
#16
Always Learning
Back Marker
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 148
From: Northern Illinois
This may sound a bit cold and harsh but;
Yeah, forget about being friends for now. Have as little contact as possible, preferably none. You'll be racking your brain as to how to "change" or "improve" yourself to make her want you. That will just make you small inside and less attractive to her and other women.
Start dating. Ask out women hotter looking than the one who walked out on you. Get laid as soon as possible. Does she have any hot girlfriends? If you **** two or three of them you'll feel better. Been there, done that, worked for me.
PS I once had a "best friend"/room mate who had sex with a girl I was dating. That told me two things. She was a **** unworthy of my affection, and he wasn't my friend. When I found out I punched him in the face, tossed him down a flight of stairs and moved out the same day. Haven't seen him or her since.
Yeah, forget about being friends for now. Have as little contact as possible, preferably none. You'll be racking your brain as to how to "change" or "improve" yourself to make her want you. That will just make you small inside and less attractive to her and other women.
Start dating. Ask out women hotter looking than the one who walked out on you. Get laid as soon as possible. Does she have any hot girlfriends? If you **** two or three of them you'll feel better. Been there, done that, worked for me.
PS I once had a "best friend"/room mate who had sex with a girl I was dating. That told me two things. She was a **** unworthy of my affection, and he wasn't my friend. When I found out I punched him in the face, tossed him down a flight of stairs and moved out the same day. Haven't seen him or her since.
06-29-2010 | 11:12 AM
#18
Senior Member
MotoGP
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 3,451
From: San Clemente, CA
You're 23 years old, and you've been with her since you were 20. I got married at 20, and 18 years later we were both different people. She chose to move on, and ultimately that worked out best for me. Breakups are hard, but be patient and someone better suited to you will appear. I met the love of my life 18 years ago, and she's also my best friend and riding partner. We celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary this month.
06-29-2010 | 11:20 AM
#19
Senior Member
Superstock
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 427
From: Honolulu, Hawaii USA
Maybe something to consider...is she testing you because she wanted a greater commitment from you, like marriage?
If so, your next move should be different than if she left to play the field. Playing the field means "He/She who hooks up first with somebody else, wins". You need to get over your sense of loss and fear of change. You were comfortable before and now you're in chaos. Start a meaningful relationship with someone new and you'll feel like a new man...and your ex will find you more attractive. What to do from there, is your decision.
If so, your next move should be different than if she left to play the field. Playing the field means "He/She who hooks up first with somebody else, wins". You need to get over your sense of loss and fear of change. You were comfortable before and now you're in chaos. Start a meaningful relationship with someone new and you'll feel like a new man...and your ex will find you more attractive. What to do from there, is your decision.
06-29-2010 | 11:36 AM
#20
2nd mouse gets the cheese
SuperBike
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,697
From: Beaverton, OR
He can't get away from her because of their child...
So its more complicated then a normal break up.
I don't have much if any experience with this sort of thing so I don't have much advice about it. I know from the little bit I have experienced that people telling you to not be as emotional about it is easier said then done. Since you can't just write her off you are going to have to remain friends on a small level at least because of "Gunner." Honestly marraige and children works better most of the time, but it is already history here and there is no need to go back over past decisions with 20/20 hindsight. Maybe different choices in the future at least. So don't beat yourself up over things you could have done to keep her or the things you might have done differently along the lines of marriage or your child instead take it as an education and your payment to learn. Make it worth it by being successful next time (or at least improved). Be the best father you can absolutely be, she can't take that away from you. I would concentrate 90% of my time on my kid, screw my own comfort level or my need to have a girlfriend that would be my number one goal. I would always be civil with your ex, I would still go out of my way to show her my respect. I would not engage in small talk beyond weather except for the goings on of your kid. I don't know if you need anything more. If I still lived up there I would say lets ride it is great therapy. My dad is still around he is a gentle listener, or just a good guy to get a ride in with. You can PM him here on the forum (Stogey), if you want to get out and ride.
Andrew
So its more complicated then a normal break up.
I don't have much if any experience with this sort of thing so I don't have much advice about it. I know from the little bit I have experienced that people telling you to not be as emotional about it is easier said then done. Since you can't just write her off you are going to have to remain friends on a small level at least because of "Gunner." Honestly marraige and children works better most of the time, but it is already history here and there is no need to go back over past decisions with 20/20 hindsight. Maybe different choices in the future at least. So don't beat yourself up over things you could have done to keep her or the things you might have done differently along the lines of marriage or your child instead take it as an education and your payment to learn. Make it worth it by being successful next time (or at least improved). Be the best father you can absolutely be, she can't take that away from you. I would concentrate 90% of my time on my kid, screw my own comfort level or my need to have a girlfriend that would be my number one goal. I would always be civil with your ex, I would still go out of my way to show her my respect. I would not engage in small talk beyond weather except for the goings on of your kid. I don't know if you need anything more. If I still lived up there I would say lets ride it is great therapy. My dad is still around he is a gentle listener, or just a good guy to get a ride in with. You can PM him here on the forum (Stogey), if you want to get out and ride.
Andrew
06-29-2010 | 01:21 PM
#21
Senior Member
Back Marker
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 155
If you are still young....go and enjoy life....find a girl for friendship...someone to ride on your Shawk with....take a few trips as friends....if your girlfriend wants to separate! Go places, meet people, pick up a book, get on Face Book and look up old friends...the pain will go away...sometimes friends work....if she is with another guy she is not just talking about cars.....I hope some of this helps....take care bud,,,,,,,,by the way I was lucky...met my little wife on vacation 22 years ago and been married ever since??? ....Of course the only reason I am still here is because she hasn't figured out how to kill me and get away with it yet!.....LOL
....Of course the only reason I am still here is because she hasn't figured out how to kill me and get away with it yet!.....LOL
Last edited by Partsman; 06-29-2010 at 01:24 PM.
06-29-2010 | 02:07 PM
#22
Thread Starter
Speed Demon
Superstock
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 272
From: Seattle, Wa
I appreciate all the advice guys. And I have asked her to marry me and she said not now cause finances and me no job cause I am in school. **** like that. I said ok. This was less than 6 months ago. And What makes this so hard is the fact that we Do have my son Gunner together. Like today she is bringing him down so I can see him and stuff but the main problem that I have with her is the fact that she likes my best homie. I could care less if she goes out to explore Cause I know if she comes back we will be stronger and closer. If she doesnt oh well, I have a beautiful son and she will be happy with whomever. Thats all I want is for her to be happy. and for me to be happy too. And her best girlfriend is like a sister to me and she is the only hot one. Go figure LOL!!! Anywho I wish I had the cash and time to go and do a road trip. I would ride to AZ where I was born and just get away for a week. Corny.....Check your in box. You gots a PM.
06-29-2010 | 02:16 PM
#23
Thread Starter
Speed Demon
Superstock
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 272
From: Seattle, Wa
Also my Best friend, Liz and I had planned to go up to his parents property with them over the fourth of july to go camping and its like now I feel obligated to go cause I feel like liz just threw me in a **** storm and Im stuck between my friendship with my buddy and ****. Hope you guys get where I am trying to come from. But at the same time I know if I dont go then liz will still go up and I aint trying to fight nobody cause I dont have stairs to throw My buddy down after beating his ***. And I dont want to go to jail for murder cause I threw him off a cliff. Not to mention then Gunner would be dadless and I dont want that. =(
06-29-2010 | 03:55 PM
#24
WWTDD
Back Marker
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 245
From: Everett WA
Every guy has been there.
The most important thing is that you know you will be happy again.
It hurts at first but it fades fast, especailly on a superhawk with a group of freinds.
unless there are kids involved, DONT even answer her calls. Harsh but TWEETY is right. The whole "lets be friends" is there way of making it easier on THEM. Some realize that the grass is not always greener, and then fall back on "friends" card. You DA MAN Cracker.......lets ride get your mind on more important issues. Like all the "strange" you can now persue...guilt FREE
The most important thing is that you know you will be happy again.
It hurts at first but it fades fast, especailly on a superhawk with a group of freinds.
unless there are kids involved, DONT even answer her calls. Harsh but TWEETY is right. The whole "lets be friends" is there way of making it easier on THEM. Some realize that the grass is not always greener, and then fall back on "friends" card. You DA MAN Cracker.......lets ride get your mind on more important issues. Like all the "strange" you can now persue...guilt FREE
06-29-2010 | 04:02 PM
#25
Senior Member
SuperSport
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 677
From: Rancho Cordova, California
I appreciate all the advice guys. And I have asked her to marry me and she said not now cause finances and me no job cause I am in school. **** like that. I said ok. This was less than 6 months ago. And What makes this so hard is the fact that we Do have my son Gunner together. Like today she is bringing him down so I can see him and stuff but the main problem that I have with her is the fact that she likes my best homie. I could care less if she goes out to explore Cause I know if she comes back we will be stronger and closer. If she doesnt oh well, I have a beautiful son and she will be happy with whomever. Thats all I want is for her to be happy. and for me to be happy too. And her best girlfriend is like a sister to me and she is the only hot one. Go figure LOL!!! Anywho I wish I had the cash and time to go and do a road trip. I would ride to AZ where I was born and just get away for a week. Corny.....Check your in box. You gots a PM.
