no just slow doon!

 

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her"

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.


"Can I borrow the dog?"


The man replied, "Get in line."

 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to....'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize??

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

 

All good, Mike!

 

Two guys sharing a car to work on Monday morning, were comparing their Sat night jaunts. Ron had just had the normal good old **** up with the lads, but Bob had ended up at the best party ever. His mate had taken him and the party was fantastic with great looking women and loads of all sorts of food and drink. Bob had finished up seriously **** faced and couldn't even remember getting home, but he distinctly remembered that the massive house had a cloakroom with a golden toilet.

"Golden Toilet? load of bollocks you pisshead, don't be such a prat" said Ron. Bob insisted that it was true and said he'd prove it by stopping off at the house on the way home.

After they knocked off work, Bob drove a little bit out of the way and eventually stopped outside a huge imposing looking house. "Here we are, now you'll see" he smirked at Ron. They walked to the door and Bob pushed the bell twice. After a short time a very attractive, expensively dressed woman opened the door. "Yes? can I help?"

Bob explained to her "I was at your fabulous party on Saturday and told my friend here, Ron, all about it and about your amazing golden toilet. He doesn't believe me, so I was hoping that you might just let him have a quick look at it."

The good looking woman stared at Bob for a short while and then grabbed him by the arm and pulled him in. Grinning, Bob looked back and beckoned for Ron to follow.
The woman slammed the door behind them and still holding on to Bob, shouted up the stairs "Charlie, come down here quickly, I've found the dirty bastard who had a **** in your Tuba on Saturday night."

 

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish, but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman goes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"
The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick?"

 

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me... a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began, 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car...

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days...

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the bolognese sauce I lovingly made for you last night, the sauce you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured it in moments...

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away...

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years but don't wear because you say they are too tight...

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because according to you, I don't have good taste...

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued, 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said...

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

 

Don't ask me how the damn Techron worked, it just worked, that's good enough for me!

 

Tree is up

 

Decorations are on

 

OH, and some punk *** ***** broke out my rear window in my jeep, side window in my truck, along with front left turn signal....Rear glass in the CX-9 and front headlight...Last Sat night...Whoever did it should be very, very glad that I was not awake at 3 am...

 

Just ordered 5 more AR15 kits... Can't wait to get them put together and hit the range...

 

Shameless plug... Go check out my wife's website.. www.janethavel.scentsy.us they make great Christmas gifts...

 

SPAMMER!

 

 

LOL.

We don't actually acknowlege Dallas. I live in Ft. Worth.

They should be docked 2000 posts each!

 

You up near Dallas?