Got Jokes?
04-26-2007, 12:53 PM
#1
Senior Member
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Lowell, MA
Posts: 416
Got Jokes?
Post them here!!
"Hello?"
"Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom
with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause,
Daddy says,
"But honey,
you haven't got
an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do,
and he's upstairs in the room
with Mommy,
right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then,
this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone
down on the table,
run upstairs
and knock on the bedroom door
and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car
just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy,
just a minute."
A few minutes later
the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared,
jumped out of bed
with no clothes on
and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug,
hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!!
What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed
with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know
that you took out the water
last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool
and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool?
Is this
486-5731?"
"Hello?"
"Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom
with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause,
Daddy says,
"But honey,
you haven't got
an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do,
and he's upstairs in the room
with Mommy,
right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then,
this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone
down on the table,
run upstairs
and knock on the bedroom door
and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car
just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy,
just a minute."
A few minutes later
the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared,
jumped out of bed
with no clothes on
and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug,
hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!!
What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed
with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know
that you took out the water
last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool
and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool?
Is this
486-5731?"
04-26-2007, 12:56 PM
#2
Senior Member
Superstock
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Lowell, MA
Posts: 416
04-26-2007, 12:58 PM
#3
Senior Member
Superstock
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Lowell, MA
Posts: 416
TICKLE ME ELMO
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her
first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,
putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager
decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the
factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are
Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to
pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of
Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
marbles.
The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps
it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between
Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several
minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . "I'm
sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think
you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. "Your job is to
give Elmo two test tickles."
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her
first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,
putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager
decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the
factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are
Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to
pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of
Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
marbles.
The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps
it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between
Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several
minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . "I'm
sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think
you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. "Your job is to
give Elmo two test tickles."
04-26-2007, 01:01 PM
#4
Senior Member
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Lowell, MA
Posts: 416
Jelly Fish Kinda Day
If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a
coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next
time you have a bad day at work ...think of this guy:
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in
Louisiana .
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it
to radio station 103.2 On FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who
was sponsoring a worst job Ex perience contest. She won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been
feeling Down lately at work, so I thought I would shar e my
dilemma with you to makeyou realize it's not so bad after
all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore
you with a Few technicalities of my job. As you know, my
office lies at the bottom of thesea. I wear a suit to the
office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite
cool. So what we do to keep warm Is this: We have a diesel
powered industri al water heater. This $20,000 piece of
equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a
Delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver
through a garden hose, which is taped to the Air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, a nd I've used it
several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is
take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit.This
floods my whole suit with warm wate r. It's like working in a
Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt
started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only
made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to
burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was
done.
In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine
had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now,
since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
couldn't stick to it. However, The crack of my butt was not
as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I
was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my
butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the
communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact
that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing
hysteri cally.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make
three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling
thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to
begin my chamber dry Decompression. When I arrived at the
surface, I was wearing nothing but My brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of
laughter Running down his face, handed me a tube of cream
and told me to rub it On my butt as soon as I got in the
chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for
two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about
h ow much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up
your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I
love my job."
Now, whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: Is this a
jellyfish-bad day?
coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next
time you have a bad day at work ...think of this guy:
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in
Louisiana .
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it
to radio station 103.2 On FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who
was sponsoring a worst job Ex perience contest. She won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been
feeling Down lately at work, so I thought I would shar e my
dilemma with you to makeyou realize it's not so bad after
all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore
you with a Few technicalities of my job. As you know, my
office lies at the bottom of thesea. I wear a suit to the
office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite
cool. So what we do to keep warm Is this: We have a diesel
powered industri al water heater. This $20,000 piece of
equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a
Delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver
through a garden hose, which is taped to the Air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, a nd I've used it
several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is
take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit.This
floods my whole suit with warm wate r. It's like working in a
Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt
started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only
made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to
burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was
done.
In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine
had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now,
since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
couldn't stick to it. However, The crack of my butt was not
as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I
was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my
butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the
communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact
that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing
hysteri cally.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make
three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling
thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to
begin my chamber dry Decompression. When I arrived at the
surface, I was wearing nothing but My brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of
laughter Running down his face, handed me a tube of cream
and told me to rub it On my butt as soon as I got in the
chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for
two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about
h ow much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up
your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I
love my job."
Now, whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: Is this a
jellyfish-bad day?
04-26-2007, 01:04 PM
#5
Senior Member
Superstock
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Lowell, MA
Posts: 416
To prepare for his big date, a young manwent to the rooftop of his
apartment building to work on his tan.
>Notwanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, he
fell
>asleep and sunburned his Johnson.
>
>Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot
blonde,
>so, he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.
>
>The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for
>the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast.
>
>After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to
>watcha movie.
>During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several
>minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused.
>
>A friend had told him that milk was very effective in
>reducingsunburnpain.
>So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed
his
>sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.
>
>The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the
>kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk.
>
>With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed,
>
>"SO, THAT'S HOW YOU RELOAD THOSE THINGS"!!!!
apartment building to work on his tan.
>Notwanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, he
fell
>asleep and sunburned his Johnson.
>
>Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot
blonde,
>so, he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.
>
>The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for
>the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast.
>
>After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to
>watcha movie.
>During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several
>minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused.
>
>A friend had told him that milk was very effective in
>reducingsunburnpain.
>So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed
his
>sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.
>
>The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the
>kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk.
>
>With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed,
>
>"SO, THAT'S HOW YOU RELOAD THOSE THINGS"!!!!
04-26-2007, 01:06 PM
#6
Senior Member
Superstock
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Lowell, MA
Posts: 416
Murphyslesser known laws
>1. Lighttravels faster than sound.This is why some people appear bright
until you hear themspeak.
>2. He wholaughs last, thinksslowest.
>3. Change isinevitable, except from a vendingmachine.
>4. Those wholive by the sword get shot by those whodon't.
>5. Nothingis foolproof to a sufficiently talentedfool.
>6. The50-50-90 rule:Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get itwrong.
>7. If youlined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupidenough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in
the fog.
>8. If theshoe fits, get another one just likeit.
>9. Thethings that come to those who wait will be the things left by those
whogot there first.
>10.Flashlight:A case for holding deadbatteries.
>11. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a darkroom.
>12. A fineis a tax for doingwrong.
>13. A tax isa fine for doing well.
>14. When yougo into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people whoweren't smart enough to get out of juryduty
>1. Lighttravels faster than sound.This is why some people appear bright
until you hear themspeak.
>2. He wholaughs last, thinksslowest.
>3. Change isinevitable, except from a vendingmachine.
>4. Those wholive by the sword get shot by those whodon't.
>5. Nothingis foolproof to a sufficiently talentedfool.
>6. The50-50-90 rule:Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get itwrong.
>7. If youlined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupidenough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in
the fog.
>8. If theshoe fits, get another one just likeit.
>9. Thethings that come to those who wait will be the things left by those
whogot there first.
>10.Flashlight:A case for holding deadbatteries.
>11. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a darkroom.
>12. A fineis a tax for doingwrong.
>13. A tax isa fine for doing well.
>14. When yougo into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people whoweren't smart enough to get out of juryduty
04-26-2007, 01:08 PM
#7
Senior Member
Superstock
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Lowell, MA
Posts: 416
How times have changed......sad to think its so true........
Obituary
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as
knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the
worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not
children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old
boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his
condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children. It declined even further when schools were required to get
parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a Band-Aid to a
student but could not inform the parents when a student became
pregnant or wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as churches became businesses, and
criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust;
his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son,
Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights,
Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority
and do nothing.
Obituary
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as
knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the
worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not
children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old
boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his
condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children. It declined even further when schools were required to get
parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a Band-Aid to a
student but could not inform the parents when a student became
pregnant or wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as churches became businesses, and
criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust;
his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son,
Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights,
Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority
and do nothing.
04-26-2007, 01:09 PM
#8
Senior Member
Superstock
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Lowell, MA
Posts: 416
I urgently needed a few days off work, but knew the Boss would not allow
me
to take any leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a
few
days off.
So I hung upside-down from the ceiling and made clicking noises.
My work-mate (who is blonde) asked what I was doing.
"I am pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think
I'm CRAZY ...and give me a few days off", I explained.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office, gasped and asked "What
are you doing?"
So I said "Oh ...I am a light bulb".
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple
of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my friend (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her
"...And just where do you think you're going?"
(Oh yes ...you will surely just love this... )
+
+
+
+
+
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark"
me
to take any leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a
few
days off.
So I hung upside-down from the ceiling and made clicking noises.
My work-mate (who is blonde) asked what I was doing.
"I am pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think
I'm CRAZY ...and give me a few days off", I explained.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office, gasped and asked "What
are you doing?"
So I said "Oh ...I am a light bulb".
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple
of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my friend (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her
"...And just where do you think you're going?"
(Oh yes ...you will surely just love this... )
+
+
+
+
+
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark"
04-26-2007, 06:24 PM
#10
Senior Member
Superstock
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Independence, Oregon
Posts: 367
Dr. Dave
Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a
while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
Dave, don't worry about it.
You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex
with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single.
Just let it go, Dave."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality
whispering:
Dave.................you're a veterinarian, you sick bastard !!!!
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a
while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
Dave, don't worry about it.
You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex
with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single.
Just let it go, Dave."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality
whispering:
Dave.................you're a veterinarian, you sick bastard !!!!
04-26-2007, 07:16 PM
#11
Senior Member
MotoGP
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Austin, Tx
Posts: 4,138
04-26-2007, 08:12 PM
#12
Moderate-whore
MotoGP
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Leander TX!!
Posts: 9,049
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I
don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me
for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a
big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she
tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't
decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She
wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get
a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must
have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think
she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the
things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that
bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I
don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me
for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a
big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she
tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't
decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She
wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get
a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must
have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think
she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the
things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that
bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
04-27-2007, 12:54 AM
#13
Administrator
World Champion
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Fulton, MO
Posts: 105,287
This one is by far my favorite. It's also how I felt after having just enjoyed my first winter here in upstate NY.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a
perfect life.
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get
back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my *** on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't
believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to ****. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.
December 23:
Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.
December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his ***** and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow.
December 25:
Merry M*&#@% F&@!#$& Christmas. 20 more inches of the f*%#@%* slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ***. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31:
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8:
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a
perfect life.
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get
back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my *** on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't
believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to ****. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.
December 23:
Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.
December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his ***** and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow.
December 25:
Merry M*&#@% F&@!#$& Christmas. 20 more inches of the f*%#@%* slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ***. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31:
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8:
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
04-27-2007, 04:29 AM
#14
Senior Member
MotoGP
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Austin, Tx
Posts: 4,138
Oh my God, you won't believe this:
Joined: 15 Feb 2007
Posts: 88
Location: London
Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2007 8:01 am Post subject: hahahaha....stick with it....funny
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|>Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing
|this. Many
|>
|>Chicago folks did hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The
|>
|>DJs
|>
|>play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
|called "Mate
|>
|>Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or
|>
|>seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or
|>
|>she
|>
|>is then asked 3 random yet extremely personal questions. The
|person is also
|>
|>asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for
|>
|>verification. If their partner answers those same three questions
|>
|>correctly,
|>
|>they both win the prize.
|>
|>One particular game, however, several months ago made the Windy City drop
|>
|>to
|>
|>its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard.
|>
|>Anyway, here's how it all went down:
|>
|>DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
|>
|>Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
|>
|>DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if
|>
|>you win. What is your name? First only please."
|>
|>Contestant: "Brian."
|>
|>DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
|>
|>Brian: "Yes."
|>
|>DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
|>
|>Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
|>
|>DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
|>
|>Brian: "Sara."
|>
|>DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
|>
|>Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
|>
|>DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?"
|>
|>Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
|>
|>DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
|>
|>Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
|>
|>DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
|>
|>Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
|>
|>DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
|>
|>Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
|>
|>DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
|>
|>Brian: "About 10 minutes."
|>
|>DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
|>
|>if a trip wasn't at stake."
|>
|>Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
|>
|>DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
|>
|>morning?"
|>
|>Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
|>
|>DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it?"
|>
|>Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for
|>
|>a
|>
|>couple of weeks and ..."
|>
|>DJ: "Uh huh..."
|>
|>Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
|>
|>DJ: "Atta boy, Brian. Now where did you do it?"
|>
|>Brian: "...on the kitchen table."
|>
|>DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
|>
|>times
|>
|>I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work
|>
|>number and call her up. You listen to this."
|>
|>3 minutes of commercials follow.
|>
|>DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"
|>
|>(touch tones.....ringing....)
|>
|>Clerk: "Kinkos."
|>
|>DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
|>
|>Clerk: "This is she."
|>
|>DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and
|>
|>I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
|>
|>Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
|>
|>DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give
|>
|>any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the
|rules of 'Mate
|>
|>Match'?"
|>
|>Sarah: "No."
|>
|>DJ: "Good!"
|>
|>Brian: (laughing)
|>
|>Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
|>
|>Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely
|>
|>honest."
|>
|>DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your
|>
|>answers match Brian's answers, then both of you will be off to Orlando,
|>
|>Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World, Sea World, tickets to the Magic's
|>
|>game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
|>
|>Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
|>
|>DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
|>
|>Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
|>
|>DJ: "What time?"
|>
|>Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
|>
|>DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
|>
|>Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
|>
|>DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
|>
|>manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question
|away from
|>
|>a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
|>
|>Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
|>
|>DJ: "Where did you have it?"
|>
|>Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
|>
|>Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
|>
|>DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
|>
|>Sarah: "Well..."
|>
|>DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
|>
|>Sarah: "In the ***....."
|>
|>
|>After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
Joined: 15 Feb 2007
Posts: 88
Location: London
Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2007 8:01 am Post subject: hahahaha....stick with it....funny
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|>Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing
|this. Many
|>
|>Chicago folks did hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The
|>
|>DJs
|>
|>play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
|called "Mate
|>
|>Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or
|>
|>seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or
|>
|>she
|>
|>is then asked 3 random yet extremely personal questions. The
|person is also
|>
|>asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for
|>
|>verification. If their partner answers those same three questions
|>
|>correctly,
|>
|>they both win the prize.
|>
|>One particular game, however, several months ago made the Windy City drop
|>
|>to
|>
|>its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard.
|>
|>Anyway, here's how it all went down:
|>
|>DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
|>
|>Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
|>
|>DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if
|>
|>you win. What is your name? First only please."
|>
|>Contestant: "Brian."
|>
|>DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
|>
|>Brian: "Yes."
|>
|>DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
|>
|>Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
|>
|>DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
|>
|>Brian: "Sara."
|>
|>DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
|>
|>Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
|>
|>DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?"
|>
|>Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
|>
|>DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
|>
|>Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
|>
|>DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
|>
|>Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
|>
|>DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
|>
|>Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
|>
|>DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
|>
|>Brian: "About 10 minutes."
|>
|>DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
|>
|>if a trip wasn't at stake."
|>
|>Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
|>
|>DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
|>
|>morning?"
|>
|>Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
|>
|>DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it?"
|>
|>Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for
|>
|>a
|>
|>couple of weeks and ..."
|>
|>DJ: "Uh huh..."
|>
|>Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
|>
|>DJ: "Atta boy, Brian. Now where did you do it?"
|>
|>Brian: "...on the kitchen table."
|>
|>DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
|>
|>times
|>
|>I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work
|>
|>number and call her up. You listen to this."
|>
|>3 minutes of commercials follow.
|>
|>DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"
|>
|>(touch tones.....ringing....)
|>
|>Clerk: "Kinkos."
|>
|>DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
|>
|>Clerk: "This is she."
|>
|>DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and
|>
|>I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
|>
|>Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
|>
|>DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give
|>
|>any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the
|rules of 'Mate
|>
|>Match'?"
|>
|>Sarah: "No."
|>
|>DJ: "Good!"
|>
|>Brian: (laughing)
|>
|>Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
|>
|>Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely
|>
|>honest."
|>
|>DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your
|>
|>answers match Brian's answers, then both of you will be off to Orlando,
|>
|>Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World, Sea World, tickets to the Magic's
|>
|>game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
|>
|>Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
|>
|>DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
|>
|>Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
|>
|>DJ: "What time?"
|>
|>Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
|>
|>DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
|>
|>Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
|>
|>DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
|>
|>manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question
|away from
|>
|>a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
|>
|>Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
|>
|>DJ: "Where did you have it?"
|>
|>Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
|>
|>Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
|>
|>DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
|>
|>Sarah: "Well..."
|>
|>DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
|>
|>Sarah: "In the ***....."
|>
|>
|>After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
04-30-2007, 10:38 AM
#18
Senior Member
Back Marker
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Northern Vermont
Posts: 139
This is my father's absolute favorite
NOTES FROM A TEXAS CHILI COOK-OFF
Includes notes from an inexperienced chili tester named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast. Frank notes: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting - So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could use it to remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now- get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
CHILI # 5 - LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage; a barmaid saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. Can't feel my lips anymore.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress and he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach
CHILI # 8 - HELEN's MOUNT SAINT CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: (Not available for comment.)
Includes notes from an inexperienced chili tester named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast. Frank notes: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting - So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could use it to remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now- get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
CHILI # 5 - LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage; a barmaid saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. Can't feel my lips anymore.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress and he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach
CHILI # 8 - HELEN's MOUNT SAINT CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: (Not available for comment.)
07-31-2007, 01:12 PM
#20
Member
Squid
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 34
An old cowboy is driving his truck and horse trailer through Texas when out behind a sign pulls a cop from behind with his lights on.
The old cowboy pulls over and asks "sorry sir what was my infraction"?
The patrolman responds " you were driving 2 mile over the legal speed limit for pulling a trailer", and begins to write a ticket.
As the officer writes the ticket the Old cowboy notices that the officer keeps swatting at the flies buzzing around him and asks the officer " sir you havin' problems with them circle flies"?
The officer responds "as a matter a fact I am (pause) but I aint never heard of circle flies"?
The cowboy says " well sir they are usually found on ranches flying around in circles by a hoses rear end"..
The officer pauses....... Are you callin me a horses ***???
"Heck no I have too much respect for our law inforcement" the cowboy responds.
Then adds........
"But it sure is hard to fool them flies"
The old cowboy pulls over and asks "sorry sir what was my infraction"?
The patrolman responds " you were driving 2 mile over the legal speed limit for pulling a trailer", and begins to write a ticket.
As the officer writes the ticket the Old cowboy notices that the officer keeps swatting at the flies buzzing around him and asks the officer " sir you havin' problems with them circle flies"?
The officer responds "as a matter a fact I am (pause) but I aint never heard of circle flies"?
The cowboy says " well sir they are usually found on ranches flying around in circles by a hoses rear end"..
The officer pauses....... Are you callin me a horses ***???
"Heck no I have too much respect for our law inforcement" the cowboy responds.
Then adds........
"But it sure is hard to fool them flies"
07-31-2007, 09:58 PM
#21
Escape Reality
SuperSport
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: KANATA, KANADA
Posts: 612
Oh my God, you won't believe this:
Joined: 15 Feb 2007
Posts: 88
Location: London
Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2007 8:01 am Post subject: hahahaha....stick with it....funny
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|>Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing
|this. Many
|>
|>Chicago folks did hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The
|>
|>DJs
|>
|>play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
|called "Mate
|>
|>Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or
|>
|>seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or
|>
|>she
|>
|>is then asked 3 random yet extremely personal questions. The
|person is also
|>
|>asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for
|>
|>verification. If their partner answers those same three questions
|>
|>correctly,
|>
|>they both win the prize.
|>
|>One particular game, however, several months ago made the Windy City drop
|>
|>to
|>
|>its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard.
|>
|>Anyway, here's how it all went down:
|>
|>DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
|>
|>Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
|>
|>DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if
|>
|>you win. What is your name? First only please."
|>
|>Contestant: "Brian."
|>
|>DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
|>
|>Brian: "Yes."
|>
|>DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
|>
|>Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
|>
|>DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
|>
|>Brian: "Sara."
|>
|>DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
|>
|>Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
|>
|>DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?"
|>
|>Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
|>
|>DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
|>
|>Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
|>
|>DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
|>
|>Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
|>
|>DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
|>
|>Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
|>
|>DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
|>
|>Brian: "About 10 minutes."
|>
|>DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
|>
|>if a trip wasn't at stake."
|>
|>Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
|>
|>DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
|>
|>morning?"
|>
|>Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
|>
|>DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it?"
|>
|>Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for
|>
|>a
|>
|>couple of weeks and ..."
|>
|>DJ: "Uh huh..."
|>
|>Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
|>
|>DJ: "Atta boy, Brian. Now where did you do it?"
|>
|>Brian: "...on the kitchen table."
|>
|>DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
|>
|>times
|>
|>I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work
|>
|>number and call her up. You listen to this."
|>
|>3 minutes of commercials follow.
|>
|>DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"
|>
|>(touch tones.....ringing....)
|>
|>Clerk: "Kinkos."
|>
|>DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
|>
|>Clerk: "This is she."
|>
|>DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and
|>
|>I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
|>
|>Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
|>
|>DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give
|>
|>any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the
|rules of 'Mate
|>
|>Match'?"
|>
|>Sarah: "No."
|>
|>DJ: "Good!"
|>
|>Brian: (laughing)
|>
|>Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
|>
|>Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely
|>
|>honest."
|>
|>DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your
|>
|>answers match Brian's answers, then both of you will be off to Orlando,
|>
|>Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World, Sea World, tickets to the Magic's
|>
|>game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
|>
|>Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
|>
|>DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
|>
|>Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
|>
|>DJ: "What time?"
|>
|>Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
|>
|>DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
|>
|>Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
|>
|>DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
|>
|>manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question
|away from
|>
|>a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
|>
|>Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
|>
|>DJ: "Where did you have it?"
|>
|>Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
|>
|>Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
|>
|>DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
|>
|>Sarah: "Well..."
|>
|>DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
|>
|>Sarah: "In the ***....."
|>
|>
|>After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
Joined: 15 Feb 2007
Posts: 88
Location: London
Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2007 8:01 am Post subject: hahahaha....stick with it....funny
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|>Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing
|this. Many
|>
|>Chicago folks did hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The
|>
|>DJs
|>
|>play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
|called "Mate
|>
|>Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or
|>
|>seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or
|>
|>she
|>
|>is then asked 3 random yet extremely personal questions. The
|person is also
|>
|>asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for
|>
|>verification. If their partner answers those same three questions
|>
|>correctly,
|>
|>they both win the prize.
|>
|>One particular game, however, several months ago made the Windy City drop
|>
|>to
|>
|>its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard.
|>
|>Anyway, here's how it all went down:
|>
|>DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
|>
|>Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
|>
|>DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if
|>
|>you win. What is your name? First only please."
|>
|>Contestant: "Brian."
|>
|>DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
|>
|>Brian: "Yes."
|>
|>DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
|>
|>Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
|>
|>DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
|>
|>Brian: "Sara."
|>
|>DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
|>
|>Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
|>
|>DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?"
|>
|>Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
|>
|>DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
|>
|>Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
|>
|>DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
|>
|>Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
|>
|>DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
|>
|>Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
|>
|>DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
|>
|>Brian: "About 10 minutes."
|>
|>DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
|>
|>if a trip wasn't at stake."
|>
|>Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
|>
|>DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
|>
|>morning?"
|>
|>Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
|>
|>DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it?"
|>
|>Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for
|>
|>a
|>
|>couple of weeks and ..."
|>
|>DJ: "Uh huh..."
|>
|>Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
|>
|>DJ: "Atta boy, Brian. Now where did you do it?"
|>
|>Brian: "...on the kitchen table."
|>
|>DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
|>
|>times
|>
|>I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work
|>
|>number and call her up. You listen to this."
|>
|>3 minutes of commercials follow.
|>
|>DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"
|>
|>(touch tones.....ringing....)
|>
|>Clerk: "Kinkos."
|>
|>DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
|>
|>Clerk: "This is she."
|>
|>DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and
|>
|>I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
|>
|>Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
|>
|>DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give
|>
|>any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the
|rules of 'Mate
|>
|>Match'?"
|>
|>Sarah: "No."
|>
|>DJ: "Good!"
|>
|>Brian: (laughing)
|>
|>Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
|>
|>Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely
|>
|>honest."
|>
|>DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your
|>
|>answers match Brian's answers, then both of you will be off to Orlando,
|>
|>Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World, Sea World, tickets to the Magic's
|>
|>game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
|>
|>Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
|>
|>DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
|>
|>Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
|>
|>DJ: "What time?"
|>
|>Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
|>
|>DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
|>
|>Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
|>
|>DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
|>
|>manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question
|away from
|>
|>a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
|>
|>Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
|>
|>DJ: "Where did you have it?"
|>
|>Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
|>
|>Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
|>
|>DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
|>
|>Sarah: "Well..."
|>
|>DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
|>
|>Sarah: "In the ***....."
|>
|>
|>After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
http://youtube.com/watch?v=u0FholWREZA
07-31-2007, 10:06 PM
#22
Escape Reality
SuperSport
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: KANATA, KANADA
Posts: 612
To prepare for his big date, a young manwent to the rooftop of his
apartment building to work on his tan.
>Notwanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, he
fell
>asleep and sunburned his Johnson.
>
>Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot
blonde,
>so, he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.
>
>The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for
>the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast.
>
>After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to
>watcha movie.
>During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several
>minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused.
>
>A friend had told him that milk was very effective in
>reducingsunburnpain.
>So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed
his
>sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.
>
>The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the
>kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk.
>
>With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed,
>
>"SO, THAT'S HOW YOU RELOAD THOSE THINGS"!!!!
apartment building to work on his tan.
>Notwanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, he
fell
>asleep and sunburned his Johnson.
>
>Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot
blonde,
>so, he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.
>
>The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for
>the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast.
>
>After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to
>watcha movie.
>During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several
>minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused.
>
>A friend had told him that milk was very effective in
>reducingsunburnpain.
>So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed
his
>sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.
>
>The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the
>kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk.
>
>With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed,
>
>"SO, THAT'S HOW YOU RELOAD THOSE THINGS"!!!!
10-28-2007, 09:54 PM
#23
Senior Member
SuperSport
SuperSport
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Tarpon Springs, FL
Posts: 524
The Pope comes to New York to visit the city and bless the good citizens and what not... His flight arrives late, and he is way behind schedule, so he asks the limousine driver if he could step on it a bit so he wouldn't miss his engagement. The limo driver says "Sure thing" and gooses it.
It was a little faster, but still not enough for the Pope, so he asks the driver if he can kick it up a notch.
The driver, who is nearly at maximum capacity for speeding tickets and does not want to lose his license, says "Look, I am going as fast as I can, if you want to go faster then you have to drive. One more ticket'll cost me my livelihood". The Pope says "No problem, my son" and gets behind the wheel.
A few minutes later, two NYC motorcycle cops clock the limo doing 85 and pull them over. One officer approaches the car, and the other one hangs back to radio in the plates. The first cop immediately returns and with a look of shock on his face signals for his partner to cancel the call.
"What's going on?" asks cop number two, "Who's in the back that deserves the preferential treatment?"
"I dunno" he replies, "but the Pope's driving em'!"
It was a little faster, but still not enough for the Pope, so he asks the driver if he can kick it up a notch.
The driver, who is nearly at maximum capacity for speeding tickets and does not want to lose his license, says "Look, I am going as fast as I can, if you want to go faster then you have to drive. One more ticket'll cost me my livelihood". The Pope says "No problem, my son" and gets behind the wheel.
A few minutes later, two NYC motorcycle cops clock the limo doing 85 and pull them over. One officer approaches the car, and the other one hangs back to radio in the plates. The first cop immediately returns and with a look of shock on his face signals for his partner to cancel the call.
"What's going on?" asks cop number two, "Who's in the back that deserves the preferential treatment?"
"I dunno" he replies, "but the Pope's driving em'!"
10-29-2007, 06:55 AM
#24
Banned
MotoGP
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lake View Terrace, CA
Posts: 5,942
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... YEAH,
BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... YEAH,
BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!
10-29-2007, 07:04 AM
#25
Banned
MotoGP
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lake View Terrace, CA
Posts: 5,942
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she leaned in and gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard, across his ears and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can
do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered while leaning in even closer, "Tell him there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard, across his ears and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can
do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered while leaning in even closer, "Tell him there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.
10-29-2007, 01:07 PM
#26
Banned
MotoGP
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lake View Terrace, CA
Posts: 5,942
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, " I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, " I was born this way. I 'm a defective parrot.
"Holy crap, " the guy replies. " You actually understood and answered me!"
" I got every word," says the parrot." I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
" Oh yeah?' the guy asks, " Then answer this; "How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
" Well," the parrot says, " this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my ' willie' around this wooden bar like a little hook. "You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. " You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. "You really ought to buy me.
I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. " sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssst", says the parrot " I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet"
"You can probably get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. the parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psst,' and motions him over with one wing. "
I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman..
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
" When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
" What???" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?' "Well then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,: reported the parrot.
" My God!" he exclaims. " Then what?"
"Then he got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting from her breasts and slowly going down...."
"Well???" demands the guy. "Then what happened!?!"
"Dammed if I know, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
The parrot says, " I was born this way. I 'm a defective parrot.
"Holy crap, " the guy replies. " You actually understood and answered me!"
" I got every word," says the parrot." I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
" Oh yeah?' the guy asks, " Then answer this; "How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
" Well," the parrot says, " this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my ' willie' around this wooden bar like a little hook. "You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. " You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. "You really ought to buy me.
I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. " sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssst", says the parrot " I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet"
"You can probably get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. the parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psst,' and motions him over with one wing. "
I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman..
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
" When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
" What???" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?' "Well then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,: reported the parrot.
" My God!" he exclaims. " Then what?"
"Then he got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting from her breasts and slowly going down...."
"Well???" demands the guy. "Then what happened!?!"
"Dammed if I know, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
10-29-2007, 01:10 PM
#27
Banned
MotoGP
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lake View Terrace, CA
Posts: 5,942
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I made love to you from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go back there – and do it all over again."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. Dom – who was sitting next to them, overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady gets herself into position and lifts up her dress.
Her husband kneels behind her, pulls down his pants and grabs the old lady's hips As he does this, the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex Dom has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they don’t stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for nearly an hour.
Well, Dom is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, and certainly not from his own experiences.
Thinking about what he’s just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know this Old man’s secret. If only I could **** like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
By this time, the two old pensioners have recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, Dom approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody **** like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you **** like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that bloody fence wasn't electrified!"
Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I made love to you from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go back there – and do it all over again."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. Dom – who was sitting next to them, overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady gets herself into position and lifts up her dress.
Her husband kneels behind her, pulls down his pants and grabs the old lady's hips As he does this, the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex Dom has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they don’t stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for nearly an hour.
Well, Dom is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, and certainly not from his own experiences.
Thinking about what he’s just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know this Old man’s secret. If only I could **** like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
By this time, the two old pensioners have recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, Dom approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody **** like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you **** like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that bloody fence wasn't electrified!"
11-04-2007, 01:24 AM
#29
Banned
MotoGP
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lake View Terrace, CA
Posts: 5,942
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...But I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror".
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...But I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror".
11-07-2007, 05:23 PM
#30
Banned
MotoGP
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lake View Terrace, CA
Posts: 5,942
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before.
The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently.
The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said,"You've sneezed three times,wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looked at him and said.............
"Pepper."
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before.
The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently.
The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said,"You've sneezed three times,wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looked at him and said.............
"Pepper."
